IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!
I didn't think I was going to survive this one and we're not out of the woods yet, but at least I can see daylight. It's a little blurred and off in the distance.. a tiny blip on the horizon, but it's there. I can just make it out.
Over the past few days, I've seriously comtemplated the punishments I'd face if I were to lock Ma in the closet. I've mentally weighed the fleeting peacefulness which would result against the prison time I'd have to do.
And really, at times it doesnt' seem like such a bad idea.
Her latest? It's nothing new, same
She's done this before, I usually just console her and say things like, "Now Ma, you know that's not true, no one's making plans behind your back..."
But this time, after I've run all my credit cards into the ground to keep our head just above water enough to exist, sat and cried because the van's falling apart while I need it to last until the end of this school year when the Amazon graduates so I can get her and her stuff back home and jumped everytime she bellows at me from her bedroom, making sure she's g0t everything she needs/wants...
Something snapped. I told her that I felt insulted by her constant accusations, while all I was trying to do was survive. I was 13 again, being accused of being a drug addict when all I was doing was skipping school to go home and sleep because I couldn't hold my head up. It seemed, at that moment, that I'd had to defend myself to her all my life. I snapped hard. I shook.. I screamed.. I told her to kiss my mother f'in ass.
And I don't care.
12 comments:
I'm so sorry that everything seems to be piling up on you and there is no one there to share the burden. Are there no other responsible family members that could take your mom for a while and give you a rest?....She really sounds like she needs professional help....is there a mental health clinic in town?...Maybe she could qualify for a nursing home...There has to be some help out there for you, Mahala. I wish there was something I could do for you besides give you advice you haven't asked for. Hang in there and know that there are those of us who care.
Well Dolphie? Here's my plan of attack come January 1st 2009, I will officially retire from my job with full pension and medical benefits. Its enough for me to live and get by with a part time job if I want to. But not here. This damn state is as bad as living in Cali, so I've made my decision to move to the shore of N.C, near Emerald Isle or therebouts, I've been looking at real estate and it looks like its a place I can afford. You are welcome to come on over and give yourself a break after you work out some kind of arrangement with yer Ma. You've done your turn, perhaps someone else will care for her now. Just random thoughts but I mean it. I've done the care taker thing for 4 years and I nearly snapped. Its time for you to think about you. AND furthermore, MERRY CHRISTMAS and have a FAB New Year and think about it, plenty of time to say no.
Hugs
Oh, there, there, you are under too much stress. Logically if you had a hidden million, you would have left long ago. Bob Hope reportedly responded to questions about his wealth with, "if you can find it, I'll split it with you."
From what you have mentioned, it does make us wonder; now I don't want to diagnose from the Senate floor or anything; but it does make us wonder if mom might need some professional help. She sounds depressed and paranoid. It also sounds like she is afraid of being abandoned, she realizes that without your help she would have a hard time surviviing. Her fear of loosing you may be driving her behavior. Be careful about using this fear against her, or she will become dependent in a way that is not good. Rassure her that as long as you are supportive of one another, you are there for her.
Sometimes "snapping" is the right thing to do. You made it clear that you are an adult doing your best to take care of everyone and everything. Maybe this will let her know that she can't play the parent in this relationship, you need to treat one another as adult equals.
If you really want to play with her mind, start moving things out one item at a time, visable thing like chairs and appliances. One or two items a day and in a couple of weeks she will go off the deep end and be ready for a rubber room. That would be so cruel. :)
Take care,
DG
It does sound like she's irrationally paranoid. Not that knowing that makes it all better, but it does mean you're justified in your reaction.
Also: That sucks. And I'm sorry.
I've been *responsible* for my mother's happiness/unhappiness/health/yard/home/shopping for 18 years, 10 months, 2 days now. Even when she is is a perfectly good humor or is not offering veiled criticisms, I am so over it. So I know how you feel but I wish I could help.
Good for you, it is ok to see to YOUR needs too.
Honey, I took care of my mother for many years. I am one of three of her daughters but did anyone volunteer to take her? No.
I completely know about your stress.
Hang in there.
And leave the guilt behind.
I'm glad you did that... really - because it probably relieved some pent up anger and frustration you felt and hopefully she saw how silly her accusations were.
But on a totally different scale - let's talk about the beginnings of demensia? Perhaps it's the beginnings of it. You may be in for a bumpy ride. Maybe a trip to the doctor is in order to see if she is in the beginning stages???
I am sorry, but if it helps to know you are not alone, you're not. My mom is long gone now, but in the last 10+ years of her life, I put up with much of what you do now. Either me or mr. kenju were always being accused of something new and nefarious. I tried to ignore it, but once I cracked (like you) and told her off in front of my dad. It felt good.
Good for you for letting out some steam!
I agree with the others, a visit to a mental health professional is in order. If you don't take her soon, you both might be there for a little visit.
Try and have a Happy New Year??? It'll get better...
whoaaaaaaa...
it's stories like these that make me see the brighter side of being an orphan.
hang in there hunny bunny!
cathy
Thinking of you this New Year's Eve. Pour a big glass, you deserve it.
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