Opinions and lots of these ( )

I've pissed and moaned around here enough the past few days, time to get back in the swing of things.

Right out of the gate, I'm going to offer up my opinion on a few tidbits of celebrity news. I know, I know, opinions are like tushies, everyone's got one and you don't need to know mine, but I feel the need to spew forth with some Mahala wisdom.

On the whole TomKat/baby Suri/is there a baby/ is it a droid/did they put it in a pod and send it off to Pluto conspiracy theories that are running rampant on the almighty internet: Look people, Tom Cruise is a master at manipulating the media. That's all this is and people are eating it up like Bubba Junior Joe Bob at the Frog Pond Holler Fairgrounds pie eatin' contest. I would feel better knowing that someone other than a fellow L. Ron Hubbard disciple had seen it (like maybe DSS or some law enforcement) but babies are born everyday, people have been breeding without the benefit of cameras for ions and quite frankly, I'm sick of all the hoopla.

Moving on......

On Paris Hilton: Put some panties on (a thong does not count), we don't need to see you flashing your coochie all over creation. And for God's sake, could someone please get this girl a sandwich? Or some ribs? That's all that's wrong with the poor thing. Her brain has been deprived of carbs and fat for so long that it's breaking down, hindering her ability to make rational decisions. There needs to be an intervention. Come on down here girl, I'll make ya some nanner puddin'. It'll be alright.

The Colin Farrell vs. Dessarae Bradford incident: Apparently this woman rushed the stage at a taping of "The Tonight Show" to talk to Colin Farrell, there were some unkind words exchanged, the word "altercation" has been tossed around like panties at a Tom Jones concert and there have been papers served to both parties. I don't really know what happened, I don't watch Leno and I'm too lazy to do research (this ain't the NY Times ya know.) He says she's stalking him, she says he harassed her with text messages. How do you harass someone with text messages? And how does that turn into a lawsuit? I smell an opportunist. If Colin Farrell were harassing me, although he's not really my cup of tea (he's no Craig Ferguson, you understand) I'd just enjoy the bragging rights and move on. Or change my phone number.

In a similar story.....

Emily Leatherman vs. John Cusack: Bless her heart. Emily claims she was being drugged and passed around among powerful and famous men along the west coast. To bring attention to her situation, she wrote long letters, put them in bags with rocks and screwdrivers and lobbed them over the fence into John Cusack's yard. Okay, first of all, back in my day, drugs with famous and powerful men was considered a damned good weekend. Paaaaartay! But seriously, Emily darlin, wouldn't it have been easier just to DIAL 911???? Contact the media, something. Sheesh. And why John Cusack? He's cute and all but seriously.. what were you thinking?

If I were a celebrity, I'd have have six alarm systems, a pack of pitbulls, some ninjas and a moat with some piranhas around the perimeter of the property. I'd be cruising around Hollywood in a slightly used Popemobile (I'd have to paint some orange flames on the sides, maybe put a nice turbo hood scoop on the front, a spoiler would be bitchin), there are entirely too many fruit loops running rampant (and dual exhaust, some nice rims and one of those General Lee horns that plays "Dixie".)

Craig Ferguson is back on tonight (thank the Lord and CBS.) He's got Eddie Izard (the Amazon will be positively giddy with delight) and I noticed Seether booked for Friday night (hell yeah!) My morning coffee just hasn't been the same the past week. Is it sad that I'm excited to see the new set? Okay, I know, I need to get out more. I'm workin' on it.

I'd better go fix some supper before Ma turns into the swamp monster and comes out of her cave growling.

'Til next time :)