Jolene Tried to Kill Me

The other day, I ventured out over the mountains, through the woods and past Grandma's house to do the hunting and gathering. Me and Jolene were jamming out to 80's hair metal as we flew past little patches of corn and tomatoes, leaning in to the curves that I've memorized after 20 years of traveling the road leading out of The Holler.

We had almost made it to the grocery store, about 30 minutes from the house, when the driver of the truck in front of me made the sudden decision to slam on his breaks. Apparently he had an urgent need to visit Family Dollar. A need so great, it was worth damned near causing a three car pile up.

It ain't like they don't have THREE more friggen entrances to the strip mall.

I slammed on my brakes, which we know from past experience tends to piss Jolene off, but nothing happened. I mean, shit was happening, the opposite of nothing, but the thing that was not happening was stopping. I swerved into the turn lane, barely missing Farmer Methuselah as he turned, putt-putting into the parking lot. I coasted to the grocery store, just across the road, STANDING on my feckin' brakes.

The readout on the dash changed from the odometer to "BRAKE SERVICE NEEDED" or something to that effect. I was like, "YOU COULD HAVE MENTIONED IT SOONER JOLENE. BRINGING IT UP NOW IS JUST A LITTLE ASSHOLEY."

I got stopped and parked without killing any hill folk, so that's a plus. I called T.A., mostly just to tell someone that I ALMOST DIED. I really wanted her to come get me, but I wasn't crazy about leaving my truck there until I could get it towed. I decided I'd just get the shopping done and pray for an epiphany in the mean time.

I called T.A. again when I finished. I wanted to try to drive home, but it was pissing down the rain and I needed to cross two mountains, brakeless and just in time for rush hour. Oh and? My tags are expired.

My tags are always expired.

T.A. assured me that coming down the mountain in low gear would assure I didn't lose control and suggested I keep my flashers on.

Way to blend in and not get noticed by highway patrol.

I imagined what would happen after I wrecked. If I survived and had even a sliver of consciousness, the state trooper, with his angry face and ugly assed hat, would put his mouth close to my ear and say, "Ma'am, you knew your brakes were broken, it's raining, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???"

It didn't stop me though. I gave myself a pep talk, reminded myself of all the stupid things I've survived in my life and drove on. Slowly.

The rain had stopped by the time I got to Pecan Ridge, which I crossed without any problems. I pulled over to let traffic pass a couple of times, passing lanes are scarce up on the mountain. I made it to Froggy mountain and climbed to the top.

Uphill is easy peasy brakeless.

When I got to top, I dropped Jolene down in to low gear and started creeping down the mountain. I am not used to going down the mountain slow, it's usually like the Indy 500 downhill. I decided to take advantage of the snail's pace, whipped out my phone and took some video. I think you even get a glimpse of my eyeball in the rear view mirror about half way through.

I'll admit, this is probably the boringest thing you'll watch today this week, but you get a nice glimpse of the mountains surrounding the holler and the orange trash bags left at the side of the road by the work group from the local prison.


Anywho, needless to say I made it home in one piece and, more importantly, without a ticket. Jolene is sitting in the yard, grounded so she can think about what she did... and I can afford to take her to the shop.

It's all good. T.A. has been awesome about sharing her little car. It's not like I have anywhere I have to be.

In other hunting and gathering news, I found out the other day that "our" Wallyworld is going to start their online grocery shopping program soon. Their prices are WAY cheaper than the local chain, but I don't get to go often since Wally's is about 45 minutes away. However, T.A. works third shift RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD. I will be able to shop and pay online, schedule the pickup and then T.A. can go pick them up when she gets off work. They even load the groceries in the car.

It's going to be so much cheaper. For example, I can get a 30lb bag of dog food at the DG for about $20, but for the same price I get a 50lb bag at Wallyworld.

I'm so excited that I'm almost ashamed.

Anywho, if you haven't signed up, please use this link and I'll get $10 when you place your first order!

I haven't tried this yet, but I'll bet you can also use your Ebates account to get a 2% rebate on your Walmart groceries. If you don't have one and you EVER buy anything online, you're missing out. Dude, it's free money. Sign up here if you haven't already. 

It's almost time to get T.A. up for work, so I'd best get to cookin'. I'm planning an angel hair pasta, broccoli, mushroom concoction for dindin.

Ya'll take care, we'll talk again soon!

Later Taters!