The Dead, The Squished and The Hungry

The winds are calm and sun is shinning bright in the holler this morning. The aroma of hot coffee fills the trailer while Ma sits in her room, watching Law and Order reruns and enjoying her Mother's Day Whitman's Sampler. The Amazon is down at the Pump n' Go, selling smokes and chew to locals, hikers, bikers and river rats, I think she gets off around two.

As for me, I've got a roast in the slow cooker, old Porter Wagoner Show reruns on the RFD channel, listening to a young Dolly Parton singing about broken hearts and salty tears. Yeah I know I keep saying I don't like country music, but the old stuff I grew up with is different. Besides, me and Dolly are practically neighbors.. sorta kinda.. as the crow flies.

Speaking of crows.. or birds in general.. I had a close encounter on Friday. When I came home for lunch, I noticed some fresh roadkill in front of the house. It was a fairly large turtle, who'd made it just to the yellow line before meeting his death. I didn't give it much thought, although possums and bunnies are more common down here in the holler.

After work, as I beebopped on around the curve in Jolene, heading home, I nearly crapped my granny panties as I slid to a stop in front of two of the biggest, ugliest looking birds I've ever seen.

Vultures are common around here, I see them circling in groups of three or more overhead on a daily basis, but I can count on one hand how many times I've seen one on the ground. The two ginormous birds were sitting in the road, chowing down on turtle. They flew up, raising a ruckus when they saw me and were joined by a third who'd been sitting in the garden over on the vacant lot. As I pulled in to the driveway, one of them landed on a big rock sitting over on the property next door, where Granny's house once stood.

For a moment, I felt like I'd landed in an old spaghetti western. I expected a tumbleweed to go rolling by any second, followed by an unshaven Clint Eastwood in a worn, brown poncho, unfiltered cigarette dangling from his lips and a floppy cowboy hat atop his head.

*cue music*

I grabbed my camera and slid stealthily out of the truck, but not stealthily enough. He took off before I could get a shot.

But then? All hell broke loose.

As all three giant buzzards took to the air, an army of smaller birds, including black birds, sparrows and jays, appeared from the trees, taking off after the vultures, ripping in to their tail feathers. There arose a great screeching from the skies, bits of feather and bird flesh raining to the ground.

Where's Tippi Hedren when you need her?

I ran up the steps and to the door, camera still in hand.

"What were you doing out in the yard? I heard you pull up. What took you so long?" asked the Amazon.

"Holy hell.. there were vultures.. three of them.. BIG ASS BIRDS.. in the road.. and feathers.. carnage.. EW," I answered.

"Vultures you say. Mmm hmm. Three of them? Yeah okay," she said.

"SERIOUSLY!! They were HUGE. I thought they were going to EAT ME! Then? The little birds came out of the trees and were attacking the vultures and and ..." I knew how nuts I sounded, but I didn't care.

"Yeah.. okay. You ready to go to Big City or not?"

I'm starting to feel a lot like Rodney Dangerfield.

Anywho.. the trip to Big City was uneventful, other than more Big Lots bathroom drama. Three stalls, one's stopped up, one door won't close AT ALL and the third only had a shower curtain in front of it.

I decided I could hold it. Seriously.. a shower curtain? Big Lots can't spring for a piece of plywood and some hinges?

That's just wrong people.

Oh well. This week is Bossman's mandatory week off, so I'll be flying solo in the sales department up at the Asylum. In exchange for losing my mind, I get to work a full week.

Woohooo.

I'm taking it easy today, painting seashells in between one or two loads of laundry. I've been sorta riding the crazy train ever since I had that panic/anxiety/crazy fit the other night. Maybe I'm finally losing it.

Or maybe I'm just lonely.

We'll talk again soon. Ya'll have a good one.

Later Taters!