Weekly News Roundup

Out of desperation, I've decided to try something a little different this afternoon. Wednesday is not only humpday here in the holler, it's also the day the Hee-Haw County Weekly hits the stands. Let's take a look at what's inside:

The Front Page Headline: THOUSAND DOLLAR REWARD OFFERED

Oh my damn.. really? Is it a murderer they're looking for? A terrorist?

Umm.. no.

Someone stole 60 snowboards and some overalls from the ski lodge over on the snotty, high fallootin' end of the county.

Other front page news includes some politics, a picture of some hill dweller in Carhartts shoveling snow and some crap about a new water line. In case you're wondering, Carhartts are standard winter clothing for anyone who lives anywhere even remotely rural. They're brown... to hide the cow poop stains.

Inside I found a picture of my trashy, lazy-eyed, big-boobed cousin's youngin. She was honored as a P.E. MVP at the elementary school. It's real easy to pick her out of the crowd. She's the angsty, angry looking chubby cheeked cherub in a sea of smiling faces.

It runs in the family.

A group from the high school attended an FFA farm machinery show. Yee fricken ha. That reminds me.. did I ever tell ya'll that the Amazon was forced to take a semester of hunter safety in lieu of health education in the tenth grade?

No shit.

There's a tiny article tucked away at the bottom of one page stating that the county health department has limited funds available to pay for anyone who wants a free tubal ligation.

W00t! Gitcherself neutered fer free!!

Okay.. that was wrong.. even by my rock bottom standards.

Lessee.. what else does this journalistic masterpiece hold?

On the "Happenings!" page (ya'll can hear my eyes rollin' all the way over yonder can't ya?) there's the Lincoln-Reagan Day Dinner (who knew?), the yearly Livestock Breeders meeting and a Fiddler's Tribute concert (okay, that last one might be worth checking out.)

In addition to the cornucopia of current events, there's a selection of scripture sprinkled throughout, this week's recipes (chicken pot pie and Oreo cake) and ads for everything from tax preparation to "custom killing" at Country Meats n' Tackle.

I swear.

My favorite gem from the Hee-Haw County Weekly comes from the same fine establishment that brought us this gift suggestion. This week you can gitcherself a deal on some red, white and blue bedazzled Crocs. I bet Bubbles wouldn't wear those fashion treasures out to feed the goats.

(Photographic evidence to follow.)

That's it for the first official News O' the Holler Weekly Roundup.

I know it's Hump Day and it's late to start humpin' it now, so Hump it double time.

Cuz I said so.

9 comments:

terri said...

I just bought my oldest a carhart jacket to wear when he's at school in Fargo, cuz it's so damn cold. He says it's a fashion statment on campus.

And did I read that right? The chubby, angst ridden daughter of your cousin got a P.E. MVP? Phy Ed? Odd!

Mahala said...

Carhartts are like.. THE fashion requirement here (and yes, they're very warm).. and you read that right.. all the elementary schools had physical education MVPs pictured. Perhaps it was a slow news week .. I don't get it either lol.

Travel said...

I talked to a woman one day who was angry because Medicare would not pay for in-vitro treatments. She had taken advantage of the free neutering and then decided that she NEEDED one more youngen or life would not be complete. Left me speechless.


DG

Tori Lennox said...

Small town papers are a hoot. On the front page of ours today:

Restroom Bids Opened By City

For some reason this cracked me up. Though I've heard they really desperately need new restrooms at the city park. *g*

Anonymous said...

'Hump Day'?

Where I come from 'Hump' has two very specific meanings - to 'carry in a laborious way' and 'to engage in a carnal act in a somewhat crude manner'.
There may be more, but I suspect your use is neither of them. Unless of course the social routines on the fringes of the known world require a regular weekly slot for some normally private activities, and there cant be that much to carry around that it needs a whole day to do it?
Please - what is 'Hump Day' and is the festival exportable?

Meritt said...

What is even worse than reading the pathetic things in your little holler's paper... is that my pathetic little town doesn't even HAVE a paper! Since I don't take part in the 'phone brigade' of gossip I don't have a CLUE what is going on in my town.

Meritt said...

Anonymous... do you live outside of the United States? I'll assume so...

Hump Day is Wednesdays. If the work-week was a hill, the 'hump' or top of the hill is Wednesday and then you are 'over the hump' and on your way down to FRIDAY! :)

BetteJo said...

W00t! Gitcherself neutered fer free!!

Wrong, but tooooo funny!

Anonymous said...

Meritt: Thank you. It all makes sense now!!. You are correct, its not a European thing.