Weekly News Roundup

Out of desperation, I've decided to try something a little different this afternoon. Wednesday is not only humpday here in the holler, it's also the day the Hee-Haw County Weekly hits the stands. Let's take a look at what's inside:

The Front Page Headline: THOUSAND DOLLAR REWARD OFFERED

Oh my damn.. really? Is it a murderer they're looking for? A terrorist?

Umm.. no.

Someone stole 60 snowboards and some overalls from the ski lodge over on the snotty, high fallootin' end of the county.

Other front page news includes some politics, a picture of some hill dweller in Carhartts shoveling snow and some crap about a new water line. In case you're wondering, Carhartts are standard winter clothing for anyone who lives anywhere even remotely rural. They're brown... to hide the cow poop stains.

Inside I found a picture of my trashy, lazy-eyed, big-boobed cousin's youngin. She was honored as a P.E. MVP at the elementary school. It's real easy to pick her out of the crowd. She's the angsty, angry looking chubby cheeked cherub in a sea of smiling faces.

It runs in the family.

A group from the high school attended an FFA farm machinery show. Yee fricken ha. That reminds me.. did I ever tell ya'll that the Amazon was forced to take a semester of hunter safety in lieu of health education in the tenth grade?

No shit.

There's a tiny article tucked away at the bottom of one page stating that the county health department has limited funds available to pay for anyone who wants a free tubal ligation.

W00t! Gitcherself neutered fer free!!

Okay.. that was wrong.. even by my rock bottom standards.

Lessee.. what else does this journalistic masterpiece hold?

On the "Happenings!" page (ya'll can hear my eyes rollin' all the way over yonder can't ya?) there's the Lincoln-Reagan Day Dinner (who knew?), the yearly Livestock Breeders meeting and a Fiddler's Tribute concert (okay, that last one might be worth checking out.)

In addition to the cornucopia of current events, there's a selection of scripture sprinkled throughout, this week's recipes (chicken pot pie and Oreo cake) and ads for everything from tax preparation to "custom killing" at Country Meats n' Tackle.

I swear.

My favorite gem from the Hee-Haw County Weekly comes from the same fine establishment that brought us this gift suggestion. This week you can gitcherself a deal on some red, white and blue bedazzled Crocs. I bet Bubbles wouldn't wear those fashion treasures out to feed the goats.

(Photographic evidence to follow.)

That's it for the first official News O' the Holler Weekly Roundup.

I know it's Hump Day and it's late to start humpin' it now, so Hump it double time.

Cuz I said so.