Ferguson, Albinos and Insomnia

Yesterday when I went in to work, I noticed that Lulu didn't seem to be her usual, spry self. She looked kinda haggard, all slumped over her desk, with eyes like tiny slits. I took one look at her and exclaimed, "Wassamattawiffya?"

Lulu rolled her eyes and flopped her forehead down on her desk.

"Dang... are you fixin' to die or what?" I asked, being the concerned friend (and fourth cousin on three sides twice removed.)

"I swar, if he don't quit that danged snorin' all night, I'm a' movin' to the garage."

Ut oh. Trouble in paradise. A bump in the road on the journey of marital bliss. I reckon Junior's snoring has gotten out of hand, pushing Lulu over the edge. We talked for a bit about different home remedies for snoring and other solutions. This got me to wondering, sort of in the same thread as yesterday's thoughts, if snoring performs some kind of natural function.

If you think about it, back before we had houses or trailers or even huts, the people who inhabited the earth must have been left vulnerable to attack from predators as they slept. By predators I mean bears and big cats, prowling the woods looking for easy prey. So I'd imagine, a cave full of people snoring loudly, echoing across the valleys, might act as a deterrent to attack by animals.

I brought this to Lulu's attention, not because bear attack is a big problem in Frog Pond Holler, although they do occasionally make an appearance, but because Lulu has a different kind of problem. She has a skunk infestation. Every year around this time, the skunks start showing up at Lulu's place. These aren't your run of the mill, Pepe' Le Pew type skunks either. These are albino skunks with beady little red eyes and little pink noses ..... No really.

I contemplated Lulu's dilemmas throughout the morning and by afternoon I had a solution, how to kill two birds with one stone. I told her that when Junior's snoring gets too loud, quietly wheel the bed out on to the porch. I mean, she says he sleeps through everything. He probably won't even notice. His loud snoring will scare the skunks away and maybe even keep the slugs out of her flower bed. Lulu gets up at the butt crack of dawn, she can sneak out there and quietly wheel him back inside, he'll never know what happened.

Everyone sleeps, everyone is happy.

In other news, I noticed that not only has Craig Ferguson's Atlanta show been cancelled, so has his Nashville show. As a matter of fact, there are NO shows scheduled for the South at all. Dang.. I didn't mean to scare him that bad. I don't bite for gawds sake.. well not hard.. at first.


Ferguson's monologue yesterday morning (Tuesday night's show) included a lot of naked references. There's something about the way he says "nekkid" that cracks me up. When he says it, he gets this look of sheer joy on his face and sounds like he could have been born and raised right here in Frog Pond Holler.

He's just good stuff.

Anywho, I'd best get productive. We'll talk again soon.


meritt said...

Just tell her to poke him. It's almost impossible to snore when you are laying on your side. So... he snores, she jabs him in the side, he rolls over and he stops.


kenju said...

I cured that problem 1 year into my almost 43 year marriage: I moved into another bedroom.

Mahala said...

I'll have ya'll know she's tried both of those solutions. Apparently he pokes back in his sleep and snores so loud she has to sleep in the spare bedroom AND wear earplugs. I'm not sure I could take it lol.