Monkey Toes, Childhood Memories and Forest Nookie With Craig Ferguson

No I'm not dead.. no I'm not in jail after flailing Ma with the dusty old Christmas tree. I've just been trying to get some things done around the house. I've decided that I can forget blogging from work. It's been really busy all of a sudden, I can barely form a complete thought. Oh yeah, then there's cutie pie (Bubbles) right next door. It's an accomplishment to know my name by the end of the day with all the "GOOD morning!!! How ARE you??? uh-HUH.. uh-HUH.. PEEEEEERFECT!!! That's awwwwwwwwwwwwwesome! I'll do my best!!!" And that Elmo-esque giggle that to my ears, bears a satanic undertone, bringing to mind visions of tortured souls, clinging to existence while spending eternity in the searing heat of the hidden realm of...

Okay maybe that's a bit much. It is annoying as hell though.

I was determined to buy new window sheers for the living room, the current ones having been washed so many times that they've got a few holes in them here and there, but when I ventured to Fred's to buy new ones, it ended up more expensive than I'd planned. So into the wash they went with hot water, bleach and detergent one more time to get all the nicotine out of them. They came surprisingly clean. I put them back up the other day, then washed the valances, which lingered in the dryer for a couple of days. Tonight, after cooking dinner and taking some things apart to scrub behind and around in the kitchen, I turned the dryer back on for a couple of minutes to get the wrinkles out (don't tell Al Gore) then set about to re-hang them. As I teetered on the edge of the couch, my monkey like toes gripping the front it occured to me that were I to fall and break a limb.. or worse.. land on a nosey chihuahuaranian (he wouldn't stand a chance).. or both.. I'd just have to lay there until the pain subsided because Ma would be absolutely no help whatsoever. I remembered the time when, at a tender young age, I headed out on a particularly icey morning to wait for the school bus (which was, by the way and purely by coincidence, a short bus) only to hit the ice and go down the steps at warp speed on my ass, making full contact with each step on both cheeks and landing at the bottom, sprawled out like the latest victim on CSI, only to look up with my tear filled eyes to see Ma standing at the top, laughing so hard she had to prop herself against the the porch rail to keep from falling over. She tried to ask if I was ok, but nothing was coming out.

She's really of no use to me in a crisis at all.

So I'm balancing there on the edge of the couch, thinking of all of this while trying to magically align the curtain rod with the little metal bracket from a great distance, thinking so much about the possibility of falling and Ma laughing that it never occurs to me to move the damned couch out of the way and just reach up there with the curtain rod. I finally made contact, hooked the rod to the bracket and slowly adjusted my balance so that I could now align the other end of the curtain rod. I stepped carefully on the couch, praying to (insert the Supreme Being of your choice) that I wouldn't bust the couch with my big Fred Flinstone feet and just get the curtain hung. As I made contact, the valance shifted and something white flew out and wrapped itself around my head, blocking my vision and momentarily throwing me off balance. Apparently there were some bras in the dryer as well. I was accosted by my own over the shoulder boulder holder.

I fought the offending support garment and won, never losing balance, never falling and never losing contact between the rod and the bracket. But then, just as I pushed the right hand side onto the bracket, the other end popped off.

Well damn.

I could go on and on, but for all our sakes I'll spare you the play by play. Just know that I did this several times before it occurred to me that something had gone terribly wrong.

Ya know how when you've got sheers and curtains on a window, how the rod the sheers are on sticks out from the wall a little less? And the one the curtains go on is a little longer out from the wall? Do ya know what happens if you hang the sheers on the wrong one?

It doesn't work.

The valance is now laying on the back of the couch. I'm done dealing with it tonight.

Moving on...

I gave up on the Slimfast. It tasted foul and it wasn't doing anything to curb my hunger. I think I was actually eating more because I was so thankful for food when I finally did eat. It's okay though. I have another plan... stay tuned.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson was in reruns all last week, so I was looking forward to watching this morning. I was curled up on the couch with a nice hot cup of coffee, rain was falling softly outside the window, a fluffy blanket warming my toes. Now all I needed was to see Ferguson shaking his bootay and the day would have a perfect start. I pushed "play", waited for the dvd to load. Imagine my surprise when the first thing I heard was not the Late Late Show theme song, but "The following is a paid advertisement."

Wut?

Pimple cream. I had recorded an hour long infomercial for pimple cream. It took me a few minutes to figure out exactly what happened. Remember the time change? Well, I guess I forgot to reset the DVR clock. Didn't I do this last time the time changed too???

I'm gonna need for ya'll to remind me next time.. kay?

Luckily I was able to see Craig's monologue on the CBS website when I got home from work this evening. There was alot of bootay shaking. Damn that man is fine. I'd forgotten that he was just down the road in Alabama this past weekend doing stand up. A couple of weeks ago, I'd even checked to see how far it was from here. The van never would have made it. I'm praying it makes one final trip to G'boro in May when the Amazon graduates from college.

Anyways, I see that Cuba Gooding Jr. is scheduled tonight. The last time he was on there, they had me snorting coffee up my nose and contemplating picking twigs out of naughty bits in the afterglow of forest nookie. I know this is going to be good.

Ah well, it's getting close to bed time. I'm going to go tackle that DVR clock, feed some dogs and slap a little Nair here and there.

Ya'll be blessed.