I've got about ten different topics floating around in my head, so get comfy. I have a feeling it's going to be a long one.
I headed down to the dollar store Sunday evening for coffee filters and a few other things. I'd known their air conditioner was broken, at one point the employees were begging the customers to call the complaint line so they'd have it fixed, but apparently that didn't work. By aisle three I was sweating like a ho in church after a Sunday morning tryst with Deacon Jones.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
After I picked up assorted paper products, I stopped at the DVD display and glanced at the newest selections. I flipped through them quickly, it was entirely too hot in there to dilly dally. That's when I noticed a smiling face that looked familiar. I had to stick my arm way back in there, turn the DVD case sideways and grunt a little to get it out... but there it was. "The Big Tease" starring none other than... Craig Ferguson.
I shit you not. Right there on the "2 fer $8" shelf. I was as tickled as a pig in slop.
****************************
I spent the better part of yesterday with a screamer of a headache. It was one of those headaches that makes you want to barf everytime you move your head. Here's the weird thing, when I came home for lunch, it almost went away. Within minutes after returning to work it was back full force. Within an hour after getting home at the end of the day, it was gone again. There is something about that office that's making me sick, mainly on Mondays. We've always known that the air in that place is nasty. A black film forms on all the office equipment, especially over the weekend when the ventilation is turned off. Our vents don't pull in air from the outside, it sucks it in from the plant, where they're welding, running a powder coating paint booth and God only knows what else. There's always a chemical funk in the office, but worse on Mondays, I suppose because the office is totally closed off for two days, with no air circulating at all.
We manufacture ventilation equipment. You'd THINK someone would figure it out.
**************************
I hate to say this.. I do.. but.. Bubbles is starting to get on my nerves. I know, I know, I bitch about every coworker I get and by God I hand picked this one myself. There's a new guy out in the plant. Let's call him Wendell. He seems a little creepy at first, but it's because he's not quite all there. Just a harmless, sweet, slightly simple minded guy who works circles around most of the other people in his department. On two different occasions he's made the mistake of speaking to Bubbles. Nothing "out of the way" was said. He simply inquired as to her position in the office and asked where one of the managers was.
Bubbles was just appalled that he dared speak to her. He must be dying to get his hands on her, as, to hear her tell it, is every man that crosses her path. The other day he came in the office to ask Lulu where he could get some change for the snack machines. After he left, Bubbles went up and down the hall telling everyone he'd really come in there looking for her. She would even flee from him, making a total ass of herself if he even looked in her direction when she walked through the plant.
It broke my heart when I found out that poor Wendell had been taken into the office and been sternly instructed to stay away from Bubbles, that he was doing things that made her uncomfortable and that we had strict policies against sexual harassment.
Bubbles is okay looking, but honestly, she ain't all that. This is the second "harassment" complaint she's made in the few short months she's been there. Girlfriend needs to chill her little ass out. Mahala is getting annoyed.
*****************************
Ma kept the van today so she could go to the clinic for a checkup and to sort this prescription mess out. Tonight she told me she'd lost 37 pounds since her last appointment. When the doctor asked her how she'd done it, do you think she said, "My daughter has been taking good care of me and fixing healthy meals?"
No.
"My daughter has been encouraging me to at least try to do more things for myself and she's been buying less junk food?"
No.
She said, "My daughter has refused to buy groceries every week and when she does, she puts all the good stuff up where she knows I can't reach it."
I expect DSS to come knocking on my door any second.
The woman lays in there in front of the boob tube and drinks Coca~Cola all day and she loses 37 pounds. I run around like a headless chicken at work, then come home, lay in the floor doing sit-ups and performing other acts of self-torture and yet I still look like a large farm animal.
Life ain't fair.
************************
I didn't get a chance to watch Craig Ferguson's monologue this morning, not exactly. Since Ma was using the van today, she had to get up early and take me to work. Therefore, she was following me around nattering at me all morning all before I'd had coffee. That I managed to show up at work fully clothed and with all the appropriate undergarments is a miracle in itself. After a full day, I got off and we stopped at the market, then the dollar store (yes again, hush) then sat in the parking lot or rather, in the van on the sidewalk where Ma insisted on parking, talking to her sister and a few other assorted family members, I finally got to come home and lose myself in all of Ferguson's butt wiggling glory.
He mentioned that before one of his shows over the weekend, he was outside enjoying a cup of coffee and over heard a young lady telling one of her friends that she'd attended his show the previous night and that she'd said, "He sucks live."
BLASPHEMER!!!
He also mentioned that he was tempted to comment on her erm... robust rump.. in response to her comments, but decided instead to take the high road and not say anything. Well, let me just say right now, that I've seen him perform live and that little chubster didn't have a clue what the hell she was talking about. She obviously lacks taste and a sense of humor.
Don't make me load up the hippy van with all my hillbilly kinfolk, tanked up on corn liquor, a few coon hounds and a finely sharpened pitch fork and head out to California. We'll hit every Dunkin' Donuts and Lane Bryant 'til we find that little heifer. Maybe I sound a little harsh, but I can't just sit back and let her give the rest of us who are more fertility goddess than Paris Hilton a bad name!
Hell, I'll even take my trashy, big boobed, lazy eyed cousin with us. She ain't nothin' to sneeze at. She once killed a five and half foot yellow rattler by throwing rocks at it. You can imagine how close you have to get to a snake to kill it that way, that girl ain't afraid of nothin'.
Okay, okay, I wouldn't really go hunting down some poor, tasteless, misguided ding-a-ling, don't ya'll go notifying the authorities. There's no way I could travel across the country with my trashy cousin. I'd have to put her out at the side of the road before we reached Texas, or after the 20th time she exclaimed "Cool Beans!!!"
Oh and by the way... in reference to the "Penn State" joke (which I can't repeat here, due to the delicate dispositions of some of my readers), that's why one should always have a cold beverage near by. It helps things.. go down.
***********************
And on that note, I think I'm going move a load of laundry to the dryer then sit back on the couch with a hot cup of Gypsy tea and watch the "Dog the Bounty Hunter" special on A&E.
Later Taters.
I headed down to the dollar store Sunday evening for coffee filters and a few other things. I'd known their air conditioner was broken, at one point the employees were begging the customers to call the complaint line so they'd have it fixed, but apparently that didn't work. By aisle three I was sweating like a ho in church after a Sunday morning tryst with Deacon Jones.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
After I picked up assorted paper products, I stopped at the DVD display and glanced at the newest selections. I flipped through them quickly, it was entirely too hot in there to dilly dally. That's when I noticed a smiling face that looked familiar. I had to stick my arm way back in there, turn the DVD case sideways and grunt a little to get it out... but there it was. "The Big Tease" starring none other than... Craig Ferguson.
I shit you not. Right there on the "2 fer $8" shelf. I was as tickled as a pig in slop.
I spent the better part of yesterday with a screamer of a headache. It was one of those headaches that makes you want to barf everytime you move your head. Here's the weird thing, when I came home for lunch, it almost went away. Within minutes after returning to work it was back full force. Within an hour after getting home at the end of the day, it was gone again. There is something about that office that's making me sick, mainly on Mondays. We've always known that the air in that place is nasty. A black film forms on all the office equipment, especially over the weekend when the ventilation is turned off. Our vents don't pull in air from the outside, it sucks it in from the plant, where they're welding, running a powder coating paint booth and God only knows what else. There's always a chemical funk in the office, but worse on Mondays, I suppose because the office is totally closed off for two days, with no air circulating at all.
We manufacture ventilation equipment. You'd THINK someone would figure it out.
I hate to say this.. I do.. but.. Bubbles is starting to get on my nerves. I know, I know, I bitch about every coworker I get and by God I hand picked this one myself. There's a new guy out in the plant. Let's call him Wendell. He seems a little creepy at first, but it's because he's not quite all there. Just a harmless, sweet, slightly simple minded guy who works circles around most of the other people in his department. On two different occasions he's made the mistake of speaking to Bubbles. Nothing "out of the way" was said. He simply inquired as to her position in the office and asked where one of the managers was.
Bubbles was just appalled that he dared speak to her. He must be dying to get his hands on her, as, to hear her tell it, is every man that crosses her path. The other day he came in the office to ask Lulu where he could get some change for the snack machines. After he left, Bubbles went up and down the hall telling everyone he'd really come in there looking for her. She would even flee from him, making a total ass of herself if he even looked in her direction when she walked through the plant.
It broke my heart when I found out that poor Wendell had been taken into the office and been sternly instructed to stay away from Bubbles, that he was doing things that made her uncomfortable and that we had strict policies against sexual harassment.
Bubbles is okay looking, but honestly, she ain't all that. This is the second "harassment" complaint she's made in the few short months she's been there. Girlfriend needs to chill her little ass out. Mahala is getting annoyed.
Ma kept the van today so she could go to the clinic for a checkup and to sort this prescription mess out. Tonight she told me she'd lost 37 pounds since her last appointment. When the doctor asked her how she'd done it, do you think she said, "My daughter has been taking good care of me and fixing healthy meals?"
No.
"My daughter has been encouraging me to at least try to do more things for myself and she's been buying less junk food?"
No.
She said, "My daughter has refused to buy groceries every week and when she does, she puts all the good stuff up where she knows I can't reach it."
I expect DSS to come knocking on my door any second.
The woman lays in there in front of the boob tube and drinks Coca~Cola all day and she loses 37 pounds. I run around like a headless chicken at work, then come home, lay in the floor doing sit-ups and performing other acts of self-torture and yet I still look like a large farm animal.
Life ain't fair.
I didn't get a chance to watch Craig Ferguson's monologue this morning, not exactly. Since Ma was using the van today, she had to get up early and take me to work. Therefore, she was following me around nattering at me all morning all before I'd had coffee. That I managed to show up at work fully clothed and with all the appropriate undergarments is a miracle in itself. After a full day, I got off and we stopped at the market, then the dollar store (yes again, hush) then sat in the parking lot or rather, in the van on the sidewalk where Ma insisted on parking, talking to her sister and a few other assorted family members, I finally got to come home and lose myself in all of Ferguson's butt wiggling glory.
He mentioned that before one of his shows over the weekend, he was outside enjoying a cup of coffee and over heard a young lady telling one of her friends that she'd attended his show the previous night and that she'd said, "He sucks live."
BLASPHEMER!!!
He also mentioned that he was tempted to comment on her erm... robust rump.. in response to her comments, but decided instead to take the high road and not say anything. Well, let me just say right now, that I've seen him perform live and that little chubster didn't have a clue what the hell she was talking about. She obviously lacks taste and a sense of humor.
Don't make me load up the hippy van with all my hillbilly kinfolk, tanked up on corn liquor, a few coon hounds and a finely sharpened pitch fork and head out to California. We'll hit every Dunkin' Donuts and Lane Bryant 'til we find that little heifer. Maybe I sound a little harsh, but I can't just sit back and let her give the rest of us who are more fertility goddess than Paris Hilton a bad name!
Hell, I'll even take my trashy, big boobed, lazy eyed cousin with us. She ain't nothin' to sneeze at. She once killed a five and half foot yellow rattler by throwing rocks at it. You can imagine how close you have to get to a snake to kill it that way, that girl ain't afraid of nothin'.
Okay, okay, I wouldn't really go hunting down some poor, tasteless, misguided ding-a-ling, don't ya'll go notifying the authorities. There's no way I could travel across the country with my trashy cousin. I'd have to put her out at the side of the road before we reached Texas, or after the 20th time she exclaimed "Cool Beans!!!"
Oh and by the way... in reference to the "Penn State" joke (which I can't repeat here, due to the delicate dispositions of some of my readers), that's why one should always have a cold beverage near by. It helps things.. go down.
And on that note, I think I'm going move a load of laundry to the dryer then sit back on the couch with a hot cup of Gypsy tea and watch the "Dog the Bounty Hunter" special on A&E.
Later Taters.
15 comments:
Okay...Here's your ticket to the big time...pen a new revolutionary diet book..."The BooB-Tube Experience" Loose 37 pounds while sitting on your azz! No Money Back Guarantee!
I meant to say "THE Boob-Tube/Coca-Cola Experience".
Hey! That might work lol.
The only way I would lose weight sitting on the couch is to cut of a leg and stuff it under the cushion.
Stop by and say howdy once and a while!
Your dollar store has a two for $8 rack? Isn't that false and misleading? My dollar store sells everything for $1, but you have to be careful. Not everything is worth a dollar.
I don't think you have any 'delicate' readers... do you?
yea- give up the joke, I don't feel very delicate...
And just to assure you that you are not the only country girl - my husband posted pictures of our new baby squirrel on his site ( badpatty.blogspot). He fell out of a tree - and you know who the neighbors brought him to...
I enjoyed the Dog special show last night, although most of it just angered me. I used his words from the end of the show as my quote for today on my blog.
miz: Hey :) I enjoy stopping by there a few times a week, I'm just a bad, bad blogger when it comes to comments. I'm always afraid I'll say something that will be taken wrong (on anyone's blog) ever since I got that public butt reaming that one time. I'll try to do better though :)
melissa: It's not really a dollar store, like "Dollar Tree" or the others. It's a Dollar General, and there are very few things that are actually a dollar lol. We all just refer to it as the dollar store here, which is a little misleading.
aka_merritt: ummm maybe? *snort*
loner: I think you and I have a lot in common. When I was a teenager, someone brought me two baby squirrels who'd fallen from the next. Our little chihuahua insisted on sleeping beside them. Unfortunately, they didn't live but a few weeks. Admittedly, I didn't know what I was doing.
karen: It made me mad all over again too. Poor Beth. That woman is a rock, I have so much admiration for her.
Bubbles needs to get a life. Or maybe a good smack upside the head. Or both!
The Revenge Road Trip sounds like it could be fun! But I'd have to watch my use of "Cool beans", too. *g*
I'm not getting the "Cool Beans" thing..Can you explain...remember, I'm from Louisiana
robbie: I'm not sure myself. My cousin (I really do have a trashy, big boobed, lazy eyed, snake slaying cousin) says it all the time, in the way that most people say, "Wow!" or "Excellent!" Maybe tori can explain it?
And tori, it's not so much that she says it, it's that she says it CONSTANTLY, with this weird dorky grin and that one eye goin' off in all directions.
I think you got it right with your explanation. It's just like "cool" only with the additional word "beans". I picked it up from some TV show, I think. Or maybe it was a coworker... I do wonder how beans come into it, though... maybe I should research it. *g*
Tell DSS when they arrive, that if mom is well enough to go to the doctor and complain about you, she is well enough to buy unhealthy foods on her own (assuming you are not taking all of her money and keeping her locked in the bedroom 22 hours a day.)
DG
Dang DG, I spend most of my time trying to get her OUT of there lol.
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