Craig Ferguson + Making Coffee = Sludge

Most of the time when I get up, I go in the kitchen and start the coffee before I get comfy on the couch to watch the previous night's Late Late Show. For some reason, this morning I decided to start the DVR first so I could listen to Craig Ferguson's monologue while making my morning brew. I can still see the television, it's a trailer. The living room and the kitchen sorta .. run together.

Anywho, after I got the coffee maker cranked up, uncovered the bird and put Scotty outside, I was finally able to sit down and relax. Ferguson cracks me up when he starts raggin' on that Iranian president.. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It's almost a shame that the homophobic neanderthal has left the U.S. (why was he here to begin with?) I'm sorta gonna miss his pearls of wisdom.

*cough*

Around 7:30 I waddled back to the kitchen to fill my thermos with coffee and make an egg sandwich to take to the office with me. I've been taking these low-fat microwave sandwiches by Jimmy Dean (I think they're called "D-Lites".. with turkey sausage... good stuff!) but I'm out. My one and only sealable bowl was still in the sink so oatmeal was out and if I don't take something, it's way too tempting to call the diner and order a big ol' greasy cat head biscuit (they deliver.)

I washed out my thermos and reached for the coffee pot, which was empty.

Huh?

I'd heard it gurgling, spitting and sputtering all morning. I knew it was on. I have one of those coffee makers that lets you sneak a cup before it gets finished and apparently I hadn't put the pot all the way under the doohicky. Water was backing up out of the top of the coffee maker, grounds were running down the sides.. it was a mess.

I pushed the pot back under the doohickey and started scrambling an egg for my sandwich, keeping a watchful eye on the coffee maker and listening to Ferguson's interview with Seth McFarlane and their discussion about hypochondriacs. In my head, which is easily distracted before 9am, I was pondering whether you really could get a muffin tested for HIV and whether Louise from the Asylum would do that because she thinks she has every disease known to man.. but more on that later.

It was around this time that I glanced out the window and noticed a hiker going down the sidewalk, who smiled and raised his hand to wave as he passed by. I waved back, suddenly remembering that I was standing in front of the window wearing nothing but an open robe (I lost the tie-belt ages ago,) in a brightly lit kitchen with wet hair and an upper lip full of Nair, which by the way, was beginning to burn. I fled to the bathroom to remove the caustic lotion from my lip before it rotted off completely, then waddled like the wind back to the kitchen to my now slightly over cooked egg. It wasn't really scrambled, it was like an oddly shaped sheet of yellow plastic, but it was now 7:55 (I go in at 8:00) and I didn't have time to start over. I got my sandwich made, covering the damage with mayo, which sort of defeats the purpose of cooking with low-fat cooking spray.. but whatever.

Thinking the coffee should be done now, I went to fill my thermos, to find that instead of a pot of coffee, I had a half pot of sludge. Fuck it Screw it, I poured the coffee-pudding like substance in my thermos, filled it the rest of the way with hot water and dumped some powdered creamer in there for good measure.

Gawd.

I made it to work on time and gagged down enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Bubbles simultaneously suck on a big greasy biscuit while catterwallin' at the top of her lungs singing along with her favorite country music radio station.

It's going to be a good day. I can feel it.

I noticed a big chocolate cake with cream cheese icing sitting by the company coffee pot. How many times do ya'll think I'll walk by that thing before I have to cut off a piece? I'm taking bets...

It's almost Friday ya'll. Hang in there :)