Sister Wives Made Me Cry and How I Spent My Thanksgiving Vacation

It's killing me to go to work after being off for a week. I'm starting to think a sugar daddy might not be such a bad idea. One that's gone all week, driving a truck or working on the railroad or something, out of my hair.. most of the time.

You can see why I can kinda understand the whole sister wives thing.

Speaking of Sister Wives, I know I say I hate reality shows, yet in the same breath I go on and on about the latest one I happen to be obsessed with. But anyways... this week? Those layered up, super mom sister wives made me CRY.

Keep in mind, I'm a total cynic when it comes to reality t.v. I get annoyed when they pretend we don't know the two people on the screen aren't really alone in the room having a private conversation, that there are AT LEAST one camera guy and one sound guy hovering near by. Not to mention cables, wires and other electronic.. doohickeys.

But then fourth wife Robin, just hours after squeezing a boy human from her lady bits, probably still experiencing the coochie afterburn of childbirth, aka "the ring of fire," got first wife Meri, who has often mentioned her desire to have another child but who isn't able, alone to talk and asked Meri if she could be her surrogate.

Seriously? You place your newborn infant in the arms of the infertile woman and WHILE SHE CRADLES HIS CHUBBY LITTLE BODY.. you ask her this? IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE?

I call FOUL!

Sweet Mother of all that's Holy.. Do you think that was FAIR Robin? More importantly.. you made me do the ugly girl cry.

All joking aside, there is a love that exists between those women that I can't even comprehend. And it makes me a little jealous.

On a side note, I think Cody is just a big ol' happy go lucky horndog. He's got more spring in his step than a 15 year old boy with his first fake ID on his way to a strip show.

Crying in front of the bewb tube isn't the only thing I did on my vacation.

Saturday - Day One - I shopped. I found TWO king sized animal print (one leopard and one tiger) furry throws to cover the two front seats of the RV. Ya'll can't even grasp the tackiliciousness that is my girl cave. They were only $15 each. I also found a folding stool for $5 that I'm going to cover and some silverware. I visited Lowe's with the intention of getting another heater. I had already bought two, the first of which has ended up under my desk at work to take the chill off. The second was one of those oil filled radiator heaters, recommended by Cousin H. I should have known it wouldn't be worth a flip. Just like Cousin H. WHO CAN STILL BITE ME. I said to the sales lady, "Look, I'm freezing my bits and pieces off. I live in an RV with no insulation to speak of. I've had one of these (pointing) and one of these. I have $115 left on my Lowe's card. For the love of Pete, can you help me?" She walked me over to this:

It was $99. With tax and the discount I get for using my credit card, I should just make it. Then she leaned over and whispered, "If you come back on Black Friday, it's only $59."

A choir of angels could be heard rejoicing overhead. I damned near kissed the Lowe's saleslady.. ON THE LIPS.

Sunday - Day Two - I gassed up Jolene and made the trek over the mountain and through the woods to the neighboring county to get my bunny. I used the GPS on my phone to find the house, I was uber impressed with myself. The bunny breeder was a sweet, pimple faced little feller whose garage was over run with baby bunnies.His mom came home from church as I was getting ready to leave, she too was a darling. After instructions on feeding, holding and not scaring the living chit out of little Lola, I popped her in a pet taxi and brought her home. She is well on her way to being spoiled rotten. However, she sleeps in her litter box and poops everywhere else in her cage. I think she's wired wrong or something.

Monday - Day Three - I went to the dentist in Scary Hillbilly Town and had those two wonky molars yanked. The one was split completely in half, he needed to only wiggle it once to pop it out. He then stuck the nasty, bloody chunk o' tooth in my face and said, through his mask in a muffled voice, "HOW DID YOU STAND THIS?????" I never felt any pain from the pulling or the days after. I did have a face full of gauze, and I nearly had nervous breakdown when he came at my face with the giant screwdriver lookin' thing, but all and all it wasn't too bad. Feel free to refer to me as the snaggle toothed hillbilly.

Tuesday - Day Four - I laid around, crocheted myself a pair of fingerless gloves and watched Lola lose her mind, running around, enjoying stretching her legs. I used having my teeth ripped from my face as an excuse to be lazy. I am so allowed.

Wednesday - Day Five -I braved the grocery store for a few things for Turkey Day. Laid around some more. Played with the bunny some more. IT WAS VACATION PEOPLE.

Thursday - Day Six - I cooked way more than I said I was going to. No turkey, just a small ham, some sweet potato casserole and assorted veggies. I bought deviled eggs from the deli, jarred gravy and some Stove Top. And can shaped cranberry sauce. If it's not can shaped, it's not the good stuff. It was lip smacking tasty.

Friday - Day Seven -It had already been determined that I was going to have to go shopping, (see Saturday.) The Amazon needed shoes for work and the chubby girl store was having a 50% off everything sale, so we decided we'd do the Black Friday thing, for the first time EVER. We left the house at 2:45 a.m., because clearly, we're insane. We got back home around 11:30. We did not get maced. I learned that the mall is a magical place in the middle of the night. We went everywhere, including Lowe's. I got my heater. IT ROCKS. I'm so gonna hang tiny Christmas stockings in front of my super realistic fake flames. We went to a different Lowe's so I didn't see the same sales lady, which is good 'cuz I prolly would have humped her leg. I didn't buy much else, I was broke from shopping the previous weekend, but I did score a door buster deal on some Crocs for my oddly ginormous Flinstone feet (Fred, not Wilma thank you very much.)

Saturday - Day Eight - Recovered from Friday. Slept a lot. Spent time remembering the days that I used to bar hop for as many hours with no ill effects.. while drunk. I'm no spring chicken.

Sunday - Day Nine - Dreaded Monday. Did the laundry I should have done all during the previous week. Dreaded Monday some more. Worried over what Bossholio's mood was going to be. Played with bunny.

Anywho, that's all for now. I gotta get my bootay in gear. Ya'll have a good one. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

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Lola: The Eden Wood of Bunnies

I'm probably going to bore ya'll to tears with bunny pictures and videos, but clearly my bunny is the cutest bunny in the whole effin' world... SO DEAL WITH IT.

Ahem.

I'm totally like one of those Toddlers and Tiaras moms. MY BUNNY WILL BE A STAR!

Sorry. I need more coffee.

Later Taters!

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Turkey Day Loafing

Sweet Baby Jesus! It's cold up in this holler today. It'll be June 2012 before I start to get the feeling back in my toesies.

RV livin' when it's 26° outside is not for the mamby pamby. Especially when you're hiking through the front yard every time nature calls because your Cousin H is big lyinassedmuthafucka.

Just sayin'.

I can't wait to be off for the next nine days. I have lots of plans, only half of which will probably be even attempted and a fourth of those might actually be accomplished. We'll see. It all starts with a trip over the mountain and through the woods to the adjacent county to  pick up my bunny, if Bunny Boy and I can get our schedules coordinated. Apparently he's having to squeeze me in between swim class and Yoga.

Other plans for the week include getting two of my teeth ripped out, planning my minimalist approach to Thanksgiving (I'm thinking Stove Top, a can of cranberry sauce and one of those turkey loaf... things.) I can't see knocking myself out cooking all day, getting the house all hot and dirtying up all the dishes when Ma won't hardly eat anything, I don't need to be eating it and probably won't feel like it anyway (see the fore mentioned tooth ripping) and T.A. will probably eat and leave to go over to the Boy Wonder's house, then there I'll be. A stack of dishes, Ma asleep and T.A. having vacated the premises.

Ummm. No.

I'm seriously tired of being the maid service.

Hopefully I can get my new stuff listed on Etsy. I have a bunch of new earrings, but it's been so dreary and overcast lately, I've not been able to get any decent pictures. I've also been working on a rectangular rug design (I gave up on the oval. It involved more math than I have brain cells for,) the first of which will go in the dog crate / bunny hacienda. The little booger better appreciate it. I've had to rip it out and restart twice already.

I'd like to find a nice, simple fingerless glove crochet pattern, not to sell but to make for myself. I'd like to be able to keep my hands warm and still have my fingers free to work on stuff. If ya'll know of any, let me know.

What else? I need to get my propane hooked up and possibly build a gate into the back yard. That will cut down considerably on my potty hikes. Someone, who shall remain nameless, had begrudgingly agreed to help me dig the holes, but I've given up on that happening. I'll just start digging. If it takes me a month to get a pole in the ground, then it just will I guess.

Oh yeah and? I need to cover the metal thinige. I gave up on the one. Damn. Screw. I worked around the metal plate and hung my shelf brackets and shelf, which fit in the space PERFECTLY, without having to be cut and my nuker/toaster oven is now off the counter, freeing up lots of space.

Yay me.

I'm thinking some contact paper will do the trick for the metal plate. It's kinda behind the oven, so it just has to sorta blend into the plywood wall behind it.

I also plan to take naps. Lots of naps. And watch television. Walk the dog. Play with the bunny. Ya know, important stuff.

Anywho, that's my game plan in a nutshell. Ya'll take care. We'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!!

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Your Kid CAN Have a Pony for Christmas..

...and support Canines for Disabled Kids at the same time.






For each pet balloon purchased, $5 goes to Canines for Disabled Kids, which helps to supply service dogs to physically challenged individuals.

For more information, check out http://myownpetballoon-news.com/

I'll be back tomorrow with the latest, greatest news fit to repeat from Frog Pond Holler.

Later Taters!!!

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Screwing Around with Cousin H and The Bunny Boy

Cousin H can bite me.

He called last Monday, several times, leaving woesome messages begging me to not be mad at him. He said he'd had his britches in a wad all weekend because he got "laid off" the previous Friday, this being the reason he never showed up to finish the job I ALREADY PAID HIM TO DO. When I did speak to him, he SWORE he'd be down this weekend.

Did he show up?

No.

Did he call?

No.

Asshole. I'm done.

The one day he DID come down and work, he wove me a sad tale of betrayal, of how Cousin B had hired him to put a new roof on my dearly departed uncle's house, but backed out of the deal when Cousin B's sister, Cousin CrazyassPsychoBiatch told Cousin B to stop sending "those people" money. "Those people" referring to Cousin H.

At first I felt sorry for him. Now I realize that Cousin B probably sent him money for supplies, but never got a roof out of the deal.

Also? I seriously doubt he got "laid off."

I'm trying to shake it off, but I'd really love to give him a big fat dose of the wut fer.

Anywho...

The Bunny Guy sent me new pictures of the future Girl Cave roomie, Lola. He sent a total of nine, but only one was sorta clear. Bunny Guy needs to work on his picture taking skills if he's gonna be a respectable bunny pimp. I reckon the pictures were to make sure he stays in my good graces. He's probably got a guilty conscience.. at least he should. His website said $35-50 for bunnies sold as pets, without a pedigree. Then, after I pick out Lola and name her.. and set up a cage.. and hay.. and a litter box.. he informs me it'll be $60. If I weren't such a sucker for a furry face, I'd tell him to forget it. But... he's just a kid and I don't wanna get into a confrontational pissing contest with a high school senior over a bunny rabbit.

Do you see a pattern developing here?

In other, expensive news...

I'll be spending at least one day of my Thanksgiving week off in the dentist's chair over in Scary Hillbilly Town having not one, but TWO wonky molars yanked from my face. They're both broken all the way down to the root. As a matter of fact, one half of the very back one is so loose, I have to pry it open with my tweezers to pick wayward chunks O' cuisine out of it. I knew it would have to go, the second one was a bonus surprise.

Yaay me.

I spent a big chunk of my weekend cussing a stubborn screw. Remember the big metal plate.. thing.. on the wall behind the stove in the Girl Cave? It had forty screws holding it in place. There was no way my old lady wrist would hold up to taking them out manually and my rechargeable screwdriver bit the dust, so I spent $25 on a new one. They make a $19 one, but of course Lowe's was conveniently out of those. I was able to remove 39 screws with lightening speed, then spent another entire day fighting with the one remaining screw.

It. Won't. Budge.

Today I stopped at the hardware store in town and picked up a ginormous, steel drilling drill bit, like I knew what the mutha eff I was doing, so I can drill it's stubborn little head off.

Take no prisoners.

Also, I made a bunch of AWESOME dangly, bellydance inspired earrings. Hopefully there'll be enough daylight left when I get off work to get some pictures.

For now, I guess I should get back to the business of Monday. Yippie-aye-feckin'-yay.

Later Taters!

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Sunny Days and Bunny Dreams

The sun is shining and the wind is whipping the leaves into a techno colored frenzy outside the girl cave windows, which, by the way, have been covered with plastic and sealed with duct tape, because my hillbilly blood runs deep.

And it's cold up in here.

I'm still operating off of two extension cords I have running through windows. Cousin H called last Monday and assured me he'd be down this weekend, probably Friday night so he and H Jr. could sleep over. The plan was to hit the ground running Saturday morning and fix my power and sewer line.

I haven't heard from him. Not a peep.

My spiritual side, the one that struggles to find a happy place, give everyone the benefit of the doubt and constantly reminds me that everything happens for a reason, is being taken over by that other side. You know the one. The crazy-bitch-oh-no-you-dint-head-swaying-ghetto-hillbilly side that is sorta kinda fed up. I wouldn't even care if I hadn't already paid him to come over. And? I suddenly remembered him stopping by the house over the winter, unannounced and for the first time in like 15 years to borrow $10. Which I gave him. Because I'm TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

Dammit.

Even if he DOES call tomorrow with an elaborate sob story, which may or may not be true, I think I'm going to sweetly tell him never mind. I don't want to cause him stress by giving him one more thing to worry about, ya know? Surely I can find someone around here.

Because everything happens for a reason.

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you already know about this:

Lola

This is Lola, a 6 week old Holland Lop. I've wanted a bunny since this  showed up in our yard a few years ago, living under the Hippy Van. She ended up having baby bunnies and we've enjoyed watching several generations of the wild/pet mixed rabbits running around the holler. She eventually met her doom under the wheels of a car, which was sad, but kinda expected.

I had bunnies when I was a kid. My dad built a nice sized hutch in the backyard, telling me it was for someone he worked with, then surprised me with two Dutch rabbits, a broken brown (Cinnamon) and a broken black (Pepper.) This was all during those couple years before he and Ma got divorced, aka The Shit Hit The Fan era. As I got a little older, I considered that gift of bunnies as sort of hush money, which kinda effed up the joy of cute fluffy bunnies for me for a long time. The same kinda effed up I used to feel if I rode in a truck, thought about horse back riding again, going camping or looked at a banjo.

It's weird to like something (horses, bunnies, trucks.... I could kinda live without the banjo) but to get the heebeejeebies when ever you get around them. Buying my own truck (but a Chevy, not a Ford, take that old man!) was sort of a way of taking back myself. After a year of therapy, I realized there were a lot of things I denied myself, just because I associated them with crap that happened 30 years ago.

In case you're wondering, I don't walk around thinking about this regularly. I used to. I used to let it effect everything I did. I didn't go "Oh.. a bunny. I'll get a rabbit to spite the old man." It's when I stop and wonder why I've not gotten one before now that I realize the connection. It's because I'm better. It's because I DON'T let what happened control my every thought. It's because, as my doc said last month, "I think you've finally got your life back."

Okay, it's just a bunny. A sweet fluffy bunny who will be my roomie here in the girl cave. I've converted Yoda's old crate into a bunny home, complete with awesome purpular litter box. Ayla might be a little overly excited at first, but she doesn't bother the bird, other than to stick her nose up to his cage occasionally and give him a sniff. Ayla doesn't really approve of the girl cave. She spends the night in it, but the weather is cool and she'd rather be outside, on her back, spread eagle, airing out her girly bidness. The other two old  man dogs have declared the girl cave okay for a visit, but too hard to get in and out of, too cold and they don't appreciate the indignity of having to be lifted onto the bed.

They've abandoned me and now sleep with The Amazon, who is loving having a whole room now.

So you see.. I needed something to keep me company.

I pick her up the weekend of the 19th, which works out great because I'm off the WHOLE EFFIN WEEK of Thanksgiving.

In other news...

I finally got my Paypal account straightened out, but I STILL don't have a new debit card for my regular checking account. I already called once to make sure it was even issued... and it was.. so all I can really do is wait. It's killing me writing checks and trying to remember to write them all down.

I've given up on trying to get a good wifi signal in the cave. I even tried taping aluminum foil to the window behind it to try to redirect the signal. It didn't help. I've been unplugging the ethernet cable from the desktop and popping it in my little netty. I should be able to find a little $2 signal splitter so I can hardline the netbook. I'd phase the desktop out, but I still need it for important stuff like Second Life, running Photo Shop and ... ya know.. Bejeweled and stuff.

I'm going to work on some earrings today and I've been working on a new project, some little change purses, so keep an eye on my Etsy shop for new listings.

I'd better hop to it.

Hop. I crack myself up.

Later Taters!

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