Frequent Rider Miles on The Crazy Train. I Haz Them.

This has nothing to do with my post. I just really want an effin' donut. 

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone knocking, dogs barking and muffled voices. I assumed Ma had gotten up and woke up The Amazon then shuffled back to bed, so I didn't get in any hurry. As you know, once you're awake, the need to tinkle outweighs any ideas of going back to sleep, so I wallered out of bed to find The Amazon gone and the front door standing wide open.

And Yoda wasn't barking. Which was weird.

I thought it was The Rapture, a week and a day late. That is, until I looked out the door and saw the ambulance across the road (formerly the Dubya estate) over at Crazy Dave's house. Bubbles' brother was leading Ma over to the truck and The Amazon was standing there in her pjs with Yoda on a leash.

The Rapture would have been way more logical.

Apparently Ma thought the town had called to tell her they were going to burn the house down and she needed to leave or get fined. Apparently she's more afraid of being fined than dying in a horrendous house fire. She also had the presence of mind to save Yoda, but the rest of us are on our own.

All her vitals checked out and although she fell up Dave's steps and landed on his porch, she seemed physically okay. Ma couldn't understand why Crazy Dave and his wife wouldn't open the door and let her in. If it had been her, she reasoned, she would have let THEM in. Which is true. She would welcome Sasquatch in the front door and offer to fix it dinner.

She's been having a bad spell ever since her brother in law died. Yesterday she angrily explained that she was NOT going to be hypnotized.

*blink*

Hopefully she'll pass out in an hour or so and sleep through til tomorrow. That's usually how these episodes end. Then? We're having a talk about signing papers and seeing lawyers.

Thank goodness tomorrow is a holiday. I still need to mow and weed and.. ya know.. stuff. I laid around and whined about my Rice Krispy joints all day yesterday, but it's better today. I've been taking a sleeping spell lately too, which might be why I was hurting. Who effin knows anymore? When FMF and "The Sugar" (as we say down here) meet Aunt Flo, my body just kinda goes into a big clusterfucked state of WTH????

That's my diagnosis anyway.

I hope all is quiet down your way, if quiet is what you need. Ya'll take care and we'll talk again soon.

Later Taters!

Drag Queens, Slithery Things and Daydreams

I really should be outside mowing the yard or weeding the garden instead of lying here in front of the a.c., but it's like 90 out there. 

Boob sweat weather has officially arrived in Frog Pond Holler. Other things have arrived too, as is evidenced in this IM I received from The Amazon today:

T.A.: A crackhead just used our shovel to kill a snake in front of the house, so don't flip out when you come home.

Apparently the crackhead, who I should know but don't, felt all chivalrous and stuff so he grabbed our shovel and beat the living shineola out of a harmless black snake just before it slithered into our yard, then proudly knocked upon our door, waking sleeping beauty The Amazon at the ungodly hour of like.. 2pm... who has a fondness for snakes by the way, causing doubt that she was formed in my uterus...to tell her of his brave deed. 

I suspect that it didn't go over very well.

And now you have reason number #2 that I am not outside mowing, weeding or otherwise communing with nature. 

There's a three day weekend coming up. I'll get out early one day before it gets too hot and git r' done. Hopefully by then the turkey vultures will have carried our dearly departed guest off to the woods somewhere to munch on.

~♥~

Don't you hate when you put your hair up in a ponytail first thing in the morning, then give it a spritz with some super lacquer hairspray leftover from 1984, then leave it up all day, taking it down after work to find that you look like Martin Sheen in drag?

Not Martin Sheen IN drag, Martin Sheen with some fabulous drag queens.

Me too!

~♥~

Most of ya'll know I'm horse crazy. I'd pretty much given up on ever going riding again, but recently acquired tastes for fat free cottage cheese and turkey wienies have given me hope that someday I might just climb on the back of a horse.

The other day, someone posted a link to this video on Twitter and I've watched it a gazillion times, daydreaming of that day.

Enjoy...

Later Taters!!

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Birds Do It, Bees Do It, They Poop

This is some random dude from the innerwebs. It is not me. 

It's been raining for DAYS in the holler. It figures the air would be a sloppy, soggy mess every day since I put up my new clothesline.

Speaking of the new clothesline, the carpenter bees are not happy about the invasion. They've been boring new holes, filling my drying britches with sawdust and bee poop.

No seriously. The bees poop big yellow splatters on everything. I told The Amazon it was spit, but when I hit Google up for solutions to the bee problem, I discovered it was actually beearrhea.

It's on the innerwebs, so it must be true.

So now I've got mothballs hanging all over the place in old socks, a can of bug killer that I hose them down with regularly and have considered just throwing the can at them more than once.

Don't tell the environmentalists. I know they'd blow a gasket if they knew, what with us killing all the bumble bees with our cellphones and crap. But ya know? I've got way too much poop in my life as it is. I don't allow my dogs, the cat, my child or my mother to poop on my clothes, so I'm damn sure not going to allow the bees. We're surrounded by entire mountains full of places for them to squirt their yellow butt nectar, they don't have to do it on my porch. I don't like to kill anything, not even a bug, but I've given them fair opportunity to move on.

I'm sure they can find some nice, nature lovin' hippie types to invade who will embrace their need to share their waste products and will scrape it up and mix it into some all natural, whole fiber, organic dreadlock cream to sell on Etsy.

~♥~

Not my actual garden, but how I suspect it will look by summer's end. This is also not me.

There's lots of stuff coming up in my garden, but most of it is stuff I didn't plant. I do predict a bumper crop of  beans and zucchini, but the jury is still out on the rest of it. Either bunnies or deer ate my tomato plants as soon as they came up. I will admit defeat and pick up a few plants at the World o' Wally later this week. I think my cucumbers are coming up, but it's a no show on the broccoli and the cabbage. At least the wildlife in Frog Pond Holler is gonna be all fat and sassy.

I reckon that's all I've got for you this week. Ya'll hang in there. We'll talk again soon... if I don't end up having to hitch a ride on the Ark.

Later Taters!!

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Gumby, Lawyers and Company Cars

This farm girl chit has me behind.. on everything. Let's get caught up with the goings on in and round Frog Pond Holler, kay?

First, it's official. I have a garden. Well, I have some seeds in the dirt and it rained on it. Two frying pan sized patches of crab grass have re-emerged. There are still more rocks than dirt. The rows are cock-eyed. Maybe it's like cooking, the sadder it looks, the better it tastes?

Maybe.

~♥~

Ma has decided that she was just pulling our leg when she said she wanted to take a tour of the Hee-Haw County nursing facility. For now, she's doing okay at home.In the meantime, I've been in contact with an attorney at he local free legal services agency and after a lot of lawyer-who's-a-drama-queen brouhaha over my leaving my work number as a contact (seriously, get the hell over yourself already) involving a nasty letter from Mr. Drama Llama himself, I'm patiently waiting for some pamphlets in the mail so that I can go over stuff with Ma and see what she wants to do.

Because that's what you get for legal advice from the freebie place. Pamphlets. But I am thankful they're there.

~♥~

I recently had two sales, two days in a row over over at my Etsy shop. You would have thought I'd been named in Forbes as the most influential entrepreneur of the year by the way I felt. I'm still a little giddy. Now that I've got my seeds in the ground and I'm done tilling all the way to friggen CHINA maybe I can find time to work on that pile of sari fabric I got in from India a couple of weeks ago. There are pillow covers and tiny coin purses begging to be born.

~♥~

Speaking of the shop, I ordered some toe ring sized memory wire in gold and silver.. for toe rings (duh,) but I'll only be experimenting with the gold. Why, you ask? Because SOMEONE in my house.. someone with fur and four legs, which doesn't narrow it down that much.. but anyway.. someone stole it and either carried it off to play with or ate it. It was either Kitty Kitty Two By Four or Pupzilla. Yoda can't reach the table and Sammy couldn't care less. Recently, Pupzilla ate my high dollar, super nail growth cuticle oil, woke me up at 3a.m. slinging my bill file thingie all over the bedroom in an effort to end it's life and later that same night, magically pulled a Houdini and got my bedroom door open, setting herself free for a night of partying with a bag of garbage all over the living room, then crawling in bed with Ma and passing out.

Ma said they wrestled for a half an hour before the beast finally agreed to give her back her little twin bed.

I am sorry I missed it. I would have taken video.

~♥~

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook (and you're still reading this and aren't totally sick of me.. well thank you for that) then you know I faced down a snake the other day. Well.. I only saw it's back so "faced" isn't really the right word. Anywho.. the point is, I didn't puke or give up on going outside for the rest of the year as I have in the past. I'll admit, I did have to go in the house and get my nerves together, but then? I went back outside and had a nice talk with the little fella. I explained to him that if he left me alone, I'd leave him alone, but if he made any sudden moves in my direction... I was a whole lot bigger than he was and I had the tiller.. so.. he'd better act right.

I finished the tilling with my eyes closed... but I finished.

This may explain my crooked rows.

~♥~

Here at The Asylum, Bossholio is waiting to take possession of his new company car. I wish I could report that I had found a spiritual place deep within myself that had lead me to be the bigger person and find the strength to congratulate him, but that would be bullchit. I'm still a little pissy over my raise. Not so much that I only got 1.5%, but because 2% is the limit AND I COULDN'T EVEN GET THAT MUCH. Oh and the having to wait another 2 years for another 1.5% just further gripes my ass.

But I'm not bitter. Much.

~♥~

The weight loss thing is plodding right along. My life is filled with turkey wienies, veggie burgers, Wally World "lean cafe" meals and fat free cheese. I do weird shit like put unsweetened almond milk in my coffee and eat cottage cheese with pepper on it.

And I like it.

I haven't done any belly dance workouts lately, what with all the tilling, mowing and farming. I figure I'm getting enough exercise. Oddly, my wonky joints have only flared up a little and occasionally through all this. If I'd attempted to do all this a year ago, I'd be laid up on the couch for three days, unable to move after getting beat all over the yard by my little tiller.

By the way, the tiller? Thanks to Tiff and and some Facebook banter while taking a gardening break, the tiller has been named "Gumbeh." Now, whenever I hit a big patch of crabgrass I find myself smuttering.. as I wrestle my mighty little tiller through the muck.. "I'M GUMBEH DAMMIT!"



SNL.. it just isn't the same. Enjoy.

Later Taters!!

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